That Superficial Feeling

I catch myself drifting off into space again as I sit in front of my computer wondering what to write next. I stare at the screen and can’t help but get frustrated at the cursor blinking on and off at me. It just sits there taunting me, and waiting for me to type away.

“Fuck sorry! I don’t have any ideas at the moment!” I put both my hands up in frustration.

3 months ago, I decided to leave it all behind. My stable career, the benefits, the fancy parties and dinner for a life of writing. I now sit in a studio apartment that barely has running water. I say barely because there are days where the waters stays shut off for hours. My diet now consists of cup of noodles and if I’m lucky, dessert in the form of raisins.

“Ughhhh… I wonder if it’s too late to go back.”

It’s been only 30 minutes, but why does it feel like it’s been hours since I’ve sat in front of my computer? I minimize the microsoft word window and pop open a browser and instinctively find myself on Facebook. I scroll through my newsfeed and see the usual status updates.

Disneyland trip with the girlfriend!

Congrats to the newlyweds!

Finally a promotion at my new job!

Then I look at my life and I can’t help but snicker to myself. All those status update could have been me, but instead I chose to leave it behind. I left my full time job to work part time at a warehouse and I left the safety of my family’s home to move to a small apartment in a high crime rate neighborhood, which explains the cheap rent.

My eyes begin to droop and I look at the clock and it shows 9:32 PM. I guess I haven’t fully adjusted to being outside of the office. I rest my head into my hands and I fall right asleep.

I wake up and find that I’m no longer in my small apartment, but rather a 4×4 cubicle space and instead of my pajamas, I find myself in slacks and a dress shirt. I investigate my surroundings further and find a bunch of papers scattered all over my desk. On top of some papers is a half empty coffee mug and a bunch of sugar packets on the side, definitely not my first cup of coffee. In front of me is a larger Dell desktop computer instead of my Macbook pro. Unfortunately, on the screen is the same blank page with the same damn cursor still taunting me.

I’m about to yell in frustration, but I’m soon interrupted by a trash ball hitting my head. I look behind me and find a similarly dressed person, but in brighter colors, standing at the entrance to my cubicle.

“So Sid, how are those reports coming along?”
My mouth gaping open and I feel like a deer in headlights.

“Uh.. reports? What reports?”

“Are you serious? The reports for the presentation in an hour? I can tell from that blank screen that you haven’t started.”

“Aw man I’m sorry… I must have been blanking out.”

“Blanking out? Talk about perfect timing. Look I want this report done asap. I sent you that email almost 2 hours ago. Get started.”

“Sorry sir…”

As soon he walks away, I start to feel my heart beating even faster. Either the caffeine is kicking in or I’m seriously freaking out. I swear I thought I left this all behind to write, but either way I decide to go along with it and check my email. I find an excel spreadsheet attached and I open to find pages upon pages of graphs, charts, and formulas.

My eyes shift back and forth at rapid speed to catch all the information. Not even halfway though and my eyes feel like they’re going to pop right out.

“What the fuck?.. Why am I fucking summarizing all this info?!”

I switch back to the blank word document and I find myself typing. I don’t know what I’m typing, and it feels like I’m on autopilot. I hate it.

I hate it

I hate it

I hate it

This isn’t what I want. I don’t even care about all this. Why am I here? Why am I doing this?! I’m breathing even faster and my heart rate goes up even higher and then just like that I wake up.

I wake up and I find myself still breathing faster than normal. I take deep breaths to calm myself down and then I scan the room again. I’m back in my small apartment and in front of my macbook pro once more. My Facebook page is still open in front of me, so I take one final look and then I close it. I’m back at my blank document and even though it’s blank, I can’t help but feel relieved that what I’ll be typing on here are my own ideas and thoughts, and not some report I don’t care about.

An idea finally comes to mind and I finally begin typing…

“Stop being Superficial and Start Doing What You Want.”

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