Losing My Mind

I am slowly, but surely losing my mind. I can’t decide if I’m losing money or my mind faster, but one thing’s for sure is that I’m losing both right now.

I love writing, but I only love writing stories, fiction to be more exact. Writing allows me to take my active imagination and put it on paper, something that I’ve always dreamt of doing. Yet, when it comes to writing assignments that make money now… (My fiction will hopefully make money in the future, but not yet) I struggle. I can’t bring myself to focus and I stare at it… contemplating whether or not I love writing because if I loved writing then I should be able to complete a few assignments a day… right???

For example, I found an assignment where I’ve had to write about something health or medical related, to be honest I blanked out trying to read the requirements, but writing this article would give me some kind of income! Income that I need to survive. Do you know what I did next?

I took a deep breath… and closed the window. I didn’t want to do it! I didn’t want to write about something as boring as that, and it depresses me because I know I need the money, but I can’t do it. So where does that leave me?

Time to find an actual job right? *Buzz* Wrong! Because I go onto a job boards site and I get anxiety just looking at the jobs. I don’t want to be constrained by someone’s schedule, because let’s be honest… I’m enjoying my life right now.

Wake up whenever I want

Write whenever I want

Read whenever I want

and the list goes on and on and on….

So you know what pops into my head after thinking about all of this…

You immature brat. You selfish piece of… yknow. Suck it up. Do the work and get over it you lazy bum…. 

I can’t. I honestly can’t. I’m happy living a life outside of the office and yet… I need the money because I can’t keep living this life… watching as my sanity and bank account dwindle each day. Sometimes… I just want to run away from all of this. The responsibilities, the stress, this world. I want to run and not look back.

What do I do? I want to keep writing my stories, but every time… every single time I try to write; I start to think about my bank account, my money, and how I’m going to run out soon. The only path that I see is that I suck it up and return to the workforce. I’ve hidden myself from the world long enough…

Tell me… What do I do? What can I do?